It’s nearly midnight and I’ve just come back in from taking out the recycling, something that I always do in the dark. Mainly because I don’t want the neighbours to see how much alcohol I drink. There are only so many times you can have a Christmas party before someone suggests you have a problem. Especially when it’s May.

The environment is becoming a huge political hot potato, albeit one that was heated in a solar-powered oven made from mud. We are constantly bombarded with messages of how little time we’ve got left and how we are on the cusp of Armageddon.

The straws

Don’t worry though everyone, it’s all going to be okay, because we’ve changed the straws.

For all these years I thought we were helping the turtles, I assumed they were all just out there having the time of their lives. We’d already melted their ice; we’d sent them the straws. We were probably going to send them the gin next, but David Attenborough blew the whistle on it.

I know we had to change the plastic straws, but we are just giving lip service to the wider problems; quite literally.

These cardboard ones aren’t the answer though. Of all the materials that are suitable for being submerged underwater, cardboard would be way down that list. I’d like to say that these new straws sucked, but they don’t even do that. They have all the structural integrity of a catheter tube. Ten seconds in a diet coke and it just gives up, it’s like trying to smoke a roll-up in the shower.

I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe we just have to put up with it, or I suppose we could drink from the glass, you know, as the grown up’s do.

That said, I defy anyone to successfully drink a McDonald’s milkshake with a paper straw. I go through about three on a large one, which is insane, I shouldn’t have to do a drink in instalments. By the time I got to the end, the thing has started to disintegrate in my mouth like a wet toilet roll.

I could have my own re-usable straw I suppose, just like you do with a water bottle or coffee cup. Soon we’ll probably have our own cutlery and plates with us too, it’ll look like we are all on a permanent Duke of Edinburgh expedition.

We need to have bigger changes than this. Otherwise, we’ll be sat there on top of a skyscraper in fifty years’ time, tidal waves lapping at our feet, watching cattle float by like driftwood, sipping that same milkshake thinking, “Well I just don’t understand, we changed the straws?”

Extinction Rebellion

The emergence of the protest group extinction rebellion shows just how much anxiety there is around the issue of the environment.

The group was formed after founder members met at a Psychedelic Drugs retreat. That’s quite impressive, normally most people who spend most of the day off their face can’t even organise a trip to the all-night garage never mind a political movement.

Recently an anti-terror chief said that extinction rebellion should be treated as a terrorist organisation, really?

I mean they cause disruption; I grant you that, but it’s hardly on a par with ISIS is it?

You couldn’t be radicalised by Extinction Rebellion.

“Oh yes, we started to notice his behaviour change. He would often wander around the house switching off lights and turning down the thermostat. He’d spend all day in his room, watching Greta Thunberg Speeches and just silently recycling. Then, two weeks later he totally flipped and tried to hijack that oil tanker with a gluten-free breadstick”

Shamed into action

Like most things, with the environment I think we need to be shamed into doing something, it’s the only way. That’s why a teenager like Greta is having such an impact. We feel embarrassed when our own kids make us look like morons never mind someone else’s.

When I have a dental appointment, the day before I suddenly start caring about my teeth, I brush till my gums bleed, floss, gargle mouthwash; all so I don’t get told off by my dentist. Cleaning the house is the same. Some days I arrange for people to come and visit me, just so I have no choice but to get off my arse and do the hoovering. This is what we need to do for the Environment.

“Right I’m going now, but I’ll be back on Friday to look at your environment, don’t let me down”

We’d have it sorted in record time.

Diet

The problem is we need to make changes in every aspect of our lives and that’s going to take time.

Processed meat is a problem, the energy used in making it is enormous and it’s not good for your health either. It’ll soon be seen as the new cigarettes.

They’ll be sausage shelters outside pubs, people vaping a couple of Cumberland’s, using wafer-thin ham as nicotine patches, passing a burger patty in their palm like a clandestine drug deal. Outside in the darkened alleyways, they’ll be suspicious characters hanging around in long trench coats, “Hey bro, wanna buy a griddle?” “I’ve got a George Forman in the van”

Experts have said we’ll have to eat insects, they already are piloting the idea in dog food. Of course, that’ll work, most dogs spend all day sniffing each other’s bumholes, so they’ll hardly be phased about tucking into a locust and cricket buffet. For the rest of us, it may be a challenge. I like to think of myself as a bit of a foodie, someone with a sense of adventure. That said I wouldn’t like to have to eat a bush tucker trial every night. I’d rather ring for a Domino’s.

I think we’d all be vegetarian if we had to hunt the animals ourselves. I can’t be arsed to walk to my Sainsburys local at the end of the road so there’s no chance of me going out and trying to spear a wildebeest. Put it this way, within an hour I’d be eyeing up next doors dog.

There are people in America who live on Roadkill, they only eat what they find at the side of the road, they think it’s more ethical. That’s fine for the main course, but I bet pudding is a problem. They end up walking miles with a dessert spoon looking for a lemon meringue pie that’s been hit by a bus.

Our children

We are worried about the next generation. They are pumped full of guilt and fear, and so they should, it’s partly their fault. Having a kid is terrible for the environment. They produce sixty tonnes of CO2 per year, that’s more than a herd of Friesians. At least cows are useful; you can’t milk a toddler!

For the first few years all they do is consume, food, energy, and resources. The amount of arts and crafts they do alone is an environmental travesty. I’m surprised Greenpeace hasn’t been involved.

Every day my three-year-old comes home with more things she’s made at playgroup. It’s a nightmare, I can’t throw it away because she’ll know it’s gone and I can’t recycle it because it’s just a congealed mess of glue, lollipop sticks, paper and glitter. So, it just builds up, my fridge door is straining at the hinges with the weight of this poorly executed emotional landfill.

They are using up more resources than the US at the height of the industrial revolution.

“look, daddy, I’ve made you another picture of a sheep in dried pasta”

It’s no wonder free school meals are in crisis, stop sticking the stuff on paper and cook it!

I swear the things they make are getting bigger, it’s a conspiracy to stop you from throwing it all away. They started as A4 cards, then a painted plate. The week after it was a wooden spatula, by the end of term they’ll be sending them out the door with a sequin-covered surfboard.

My eldest daughter Olivia, is a vegetarian, at nine years old. She’s doing it both for ethical and environmental reasons. These dietary requirements are something my parents never had to deal with. At her birthday party this year it was a nightmare. We had two vegetarians a vegan, someone who was wheat intolerant and a celiac. I don’t know where we’re having her party next year, probably Holland and Barret. It’ll just be sixteen bored kids, sitting there playing pass the parsley for three hours.

Disposable society

We live in a disposable society where we just endlessly consume and things cost more to repair than replace and that’s fundamentally wrong.

Our Tumble dryer broker recently, so I got in touch with the company:

“Don’t worry Mr Bennett for £15.99, a month, we can repair your tumble dryer and that will also cover you for all future problems”

My life insurance is £8.99 a month. I told my wife Jemma, “Can you believe it darling, to repair this tumble dryer it’s going to be twice the price of my life insurance” she looked at me and said, “Yeah, but the thing is, we couldn’t live without that tumble dryer”

In many ways I am like a tumble dryer, in that I regularly breakdown, get quite hot and I collect fluff in my belly button, but how can it be worth more than my life?

I wanted to repair it myself, I’m fairly practical, but it was impossible. The manufacturers don’t want you to. I couldn’t even get into the thing!

There are many screws that the designers could have used, ones that fit, say a conventional screwdriver. But no, my tumble dryer has a screw with a head on it that can only be turned by the toenail of a Komodo dragon! Not a flat-head, not a crosshead, this one is like a weird triangle, who built this thing? the Illuminati?

Before we start trying to tackle bigger issues facing our planet, we need to have a change in our behaviour as a society not just as individuals. It needs to be a huge global effort in collective thinking; rather than being led by these huge companies who consistently look to put their profits ahead of the planet.