Comedy
The kids went back to school this week. I think you might have noticed, by the increased traffic on the roads, the queues outside of the shop at home time and the cheers of parents drifting across the country.
Look, we all love our children, but not every day. My youngest daughter had her first day back last week and she was tired, I mean it’s to be expected I did drop her off at four in the morning.
Comedy
I’m trying to write this, I really am. I thought I’d have the time. I’ve been in London this weekend, doing a run of the shows at the lovely Soho Theatre.
They have to be commended really, they’ve managed to achieve what HS2 didn’t, they brought a northerner into London! This is levelling up live. They’ll regret it when they see the whippets I’ve released through the West End. It was a pleasure to share some of my negative equity with them.
Comedy
I find it difficult to switch off. To me down time is dead time. I can’t justify the time; it just feels self-indulgent.
I recently went to see the Doctor, I was as surprised as you reader, I forgot we still had those. I was sat in the waiting room, I didn’t have my phone, and I thought, “I feel amazing, this is the best I’ve felt in a long time, I didn’t need a Doctor, I just needed a little sit down!” I’ve started going once a week now, never see the Doctor, I just sit on a high-backed chair and read a two-year-old copy of Bella.
Comedy
Al-Pacino has recently become a father at the age of 83, I’m not sure he even knows. I think he’s done it because he just wants something else in the house that soils itself too. A little wingman, that looks like him. I wonder if his wife changes them both at the same time, their legs wiggling in the air, like a couple of roast chickens, as Al hands her the Wet Wipes.
Comedy
As I write this I am sat in a student hall in Musselburgh, in Scotland. I haven’t been a student halls in over 20 years and it’s very surreal. It feels a bit like I’m in an open prison. It’s en-suite, but the shower cubicle is so tiny, I have to wash one side of my body and then turn round, come out and go back in, like a horse in a horse-box. I think I’m one kebab away from having to be taken outside and hosed down with brushes like an Elephant.
Comedy
It’s amazing how much of art is in our lives. That freedom to express ourselves has been nurtured from birth and possibly even before then. There are some parents play classical music through their bellies, in the hope that they could make their unborn child the next Mozart via osmosis. I’m bit dubious myself, they aren’t even in your stomach Dave, you’re just serenading a chicken biryani.
Comedy
I’m a comedian, everything is for sale. My mum and dad have always supported me, I was showered with love and affection They didn’t have much but I never went without, and I have to say I totally resent them for it.
Comedy
As the son of a fireman, bonfire night has always made me nervous. I’ve always approached it with caution. It’s hard to enjoy a hotdog and pot of peas when your brain is awash with images of burnt hands, singed eyebrows and children wearing eye patches.
Read more “I am the god of hell bonfire! – Monthly Musings 35”